Merry Christmas, let’s not talk about the incident
It’s a time for forgiving and a time for forgetting
Merry Christmas, this time, let’s not talk about the incident
It’s a time for forgiving and a time for forgetting

Oh, we’ve got mouths to feed
I won’t concede it doesn’t matter
Carving celeriac for the roast veg platter;
Tatties, turnips, parsnips then maybe
A large glass of that Rioja in the gravy
I’ll open the bottle anyway
Let it breathe
Reply in glottal stops only
“uh” for “yeah I do the peas”
Carrots caramelised with honey
Sprouts with ginger, my tummy feels funny
Tofurkey steaks
I’ve made some mistakes
But when they say my band’s “quirky”
It no longer hurts me
You’re right I was being over-sensitive
I don’t think that whisky and mince pies were meant for me
I told you we’d eat those pre-cooked chestnuts eventually
The tree’s bent by the ceiling, as it’s meant to be.
I’m sorry my moods jump like a frog out a cheap cracker
Boxing Day let’s stop in and watch Taggart

Merry Christmas, let’s not talk about the incident
It’s a time for forgiving and a time for forgetting
Merry Christmas, this time, let’s not talk about the incident
It’s a time for forgiving and a time for forgetting

You know I panic when there’s this much in the oven
Let’s focus on the food and pause the discussion
I’ll put ‘Tijuana Christmas’ on the turntable
Pull off a pirouette, somehow stay vertical
I can’t find the garden birds place mats
We’re one chair short, I’ll just sit on the bass amp
Anyone got a spare fork? I’m taking off my cravat
Let’s forget last night’s spat
Pass me the drinking at

Now if you’re with family this Christmas, I have some advice for you
Don’t play the world domination board game RISK, it can only lead to conflict
Choose something more prosaic, less apocalyptic,
Like Pictionary or call my bluff like Lional Blair did
Anyway, have a good Christmas everybody.

Merry Christmas, let’s not talk about the incident
It’s a time for forgiving and a time for forgetting
Merry Christmas, this time, let’s not talk about the incident
It’s a time for forgiving and a time for forgetting